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When To Really Call It Quits With A Good Man

Unhappy Couple

When you have a nagging feeling that your relationship isn’t right, do you leave it or stay?

He’s a good man and very generous. He’s patient with her and is a good provider. His career is moving forward. She is safe, secure and he loves her and she loves him.

As she drives to work thinking about their engagement, she can’t help feeling depressed. She settles upon this thought: “I have a lifetime to work out how to be happy in this relationship. After all, I wouldn’t want to go into another relationship where I’d just create an unhappy situation again.”

She is sure the odds aren’t good, since she can’t figure out how to be happy with this really good guy. And she questions if she could ever find as good a catch who would fall in love with her. She tells herself how lucky she is to have someone so great who will put up with her.

He’s just not intimate enough

It was Autumn 1997 and I was utterly miserable. I didn’t even know why. Quite frankly, if you asked me then, I would have said I was happy.

Denial is a powerful thing when you have a goal and everything looks good on the outside. Throw in a healthy dose of fear and you will ensure the status quo remains. I also had plenty of complaints, but they were not the problem.

Yes, he did not initiate much, he was not very communicative, he didn’t share his feelings or inner thoughts at all, he watched too much TV of which I was very jealous, he seemed to become passive-aggressive, and on and on. Do you sense a theme here? If only he could change, I would be happier.

Unfortunately, at that time, I was not aware that these complaints and visions of someone else changing had nothing to do with my happiness. Nor could I see that his behaviours may have had something to do with how I treated him.

My intuition knew all along and had known for years prior that this relationship was not meant to beand that it was time to break up. However, I didn’t know the real reason. I just wasn’t ready to leave the relationship.

My fear was much louder and more convincing than my feelings. So, my inner dialogue continued: “You’ll never find another good man like this.”

My self-worth stepped in and commented too: “Who would want someone who nags all the time?” I even recall admitting to myself, “I will not be the one to break up this relationship.”

In one very short conversation, my heart went ‘thud’ right on the ground with my deepest fears coming true

There it was, my intuition actually got through in a roundabout way (as it usually does). My fate was sealed (little did I know). What my intuition was saying with that declaration was, “We’re going to break up and HE will do it.”

Of course, I did not realise this at the time. Nor did I realise a whole lot more about why this relationship had to end. It wasn’t that he wasn’t the right one. More on that later.

The very night of the morning I had committed to working out how to be happy in this relationship, my fiancé arrived home later than normal. He went to work out and boy, was he buff. I called him my stud muffin, and gave him a juicy kiss. His lips were more relaxed than usual and that felt great. But something was not normal here.

We sat down on the edge of the bed and he proceeded to tell me he loved me but he was not in love with me anymore and could not marry me. He could not even tell me why. In one very short conversation, my heart went ‘thud’ right on the ground with my deepest fears coming true.

Journey to happiness

Though I was devastated, I was liberated. The healing could begin. Though my soul was squashed in this relationship, that wasn’t even the real issue and problem with the relationship for me.

As mentioned earlier, my self-esteem wasn’t high. That was the “not right” part of the relationship and I had been blind to it. My first objective after breaking up was to find out how to get happy and begin the quest for a soul-enriching relationship. Luckily, I pursued it in that order.

Finding love

Now that I didn’t have anyone else to complain about or blame, I took a good brave look at myself.

Through therapy, mentors, journaling, hypnosis training, books, exploring what I loved, listening to my soul, expressing myself in new ways, practicing healthier more authentic ways of being, making new friends, and most of all by trusting the process, I healed my self-esteem and learned to love myself and life again.

From this place, I could then attract the love of my life – a man whom I respect fully, and love deeply. When I have a criticism, I know it’s not about him. I can take a look at what’s not right in my world and make a request or change what I can to ensure my happiness.

When one is happy with themselves, better relationship decisions can be made.

Acknowledging you’re unhappy and that this unhappiness has nothing to do with anyone else is a hard thing to admit

Acknowledging you’re unhappy and that this unhappiness has nothing to do with anyone else is a hard thing to admit. But a clue is, if you think someone else changing will make you happy, you’re off track.

The journey to your happiness will be unique to you and it is something you create.

Sometimes we can work on our own happiness within a relationship. However, if you’re convinced that it’s them, nothing will change. Sometimes, we have to break up the relationship to understand that it is we who have to change in order to have the deep soul-connected juicy relationship we desire.

Bottom line, joy is possible. Finding your joy leads to love, not the other way around. Get support. Read books for inspiration, nurture yourself a lot, and download complimentary e-books. You don’t have to do it alone.

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Written by How South Africa

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