Because the majority of us are not total jerks, we play nice. So though we may internally despise some things, we act like we like them because to do so is not only expected — it’s very much the fabric of life. Here are 10 things most people pretend to like, but don’t.
1. Meeting New People
After about age 23, the desire to go to mixers, minglers, soc-hops, and clambakes gets a little old. How often do we love to hear, “oh, come meet my friend!”? The interior response: “I have enough of those, thank you.”
Nothing quite like waking up at 6 a.m., putting on some Nikes, and jogging eight miles along the frozen banks of the lake, watching the sun come up to make your breath crystals glow…for 1 percent of the world’s population! In fact, there’s nothing quite like your heart slamming against your tightened lungs, the cramp in your side, the pebble stuck in your shoe. Happy trails!
3. When your friends succeed
“My book got published by Random House!” proclaims your lazy, horrible-at-prose writer friend. “I’ve just won Best Charity of 2035!” announces your rich-kid, spoiled, pretentious cousin. I mean, can you imagine being Meryl Streep’s best friend? Grumble!!
4. Being available for your friends
When you’re in your jammies and your friend calls, bawling about their boyfriend being 10 minutes late for dinner, imploring: “please, give me some advice,” it’s enough to make your eyes roll out of your head. However, you’re bound for life. Tell her that he’s the biggest jerk on the planet, that him being 10 minutes late is like having three secret wives, and that everything she does is utterly perfect.
5. Really happy people
Just stop smiling dammit!!!!! Don’t you know there’s bombs dropping, dogs crying, children barking, taxes owing, and the liquor store doesn’t open ’til noon?! No, your incessant cheerfulness despite all obstacles isn’t admirable.
6. Not gossiping
Hang out with Cindy, talk about Stacey. Hang out with Jimmy, talk about Mikey. Then do it in reverse the next day! Call it “aggressive observation of someone you care about,” if it makes you feel better, but gossiping is a part of life’s social fabric. It sucks when someone tells you, “I think it’s unhealthy to gossip.” Yeah, tell me which kickboxing class you attend, then!
7. Your friend’s kids
They’re very cute, yes. And sometimes, it’s even fun to play with them. But you know those parties that start at 1 in the afternoon and end at 6 in the evening where everyone’s just staring at the funny things their kids do? Pass the Jim Beam!!
8. Eating Healthy
Foregoing the double cheeseburger with dripping gouda cheese and french fries slathered in gravy is so easy when instead you can have red quinoa mixed with balsamic carrot shavings and zest of lemon. Am I correct?
9. People with opposing viewpoints
Politics. They go beyond the circus of presidents, cabinets, and policies. Sometimes we get heated over opposing viewpoints, but it’s all in the name of healthy social and philosophical balance, right? Not! I’d rather shove hot pokers up my nose than consider your totally wrong, detrimental, and uneducated opinions, thanks!
10. Open buffets at parties
Sorry, but isn’t going up with an empty paper plate to a table full of delightful edible spreads just the most awkward thing in the world? Especially when other people are around? Then trying to find the tongs, the grabbing with the tongs, the passing of the tongs to the person who refuses them, the weird little conversation with strangers about the food (“Oh that looks great!” “Second helping?”).