When entering an intimate relationship, it’s normal to feel emotionally vulnerable, especially if you’ve been hurt in your previous relationships.
And although feeling insecure is natural to a certain point, being overly jealous and insecure can be extremely detrimental to your relationship.
Vellem says sometimes it’s not easy to spot insecurity in a relationship because it may come across as love or your partner seeking your attention. However, over time it can escalate to your partner wanting to monopolise your time, attention and all your relations.
She explains that at the end, the situation plays itself out in manipulation and control.
“After some time, the insecure partner will want to control you and make you the centre of their world, so much so that they have no life outside of you, she says.
“Sometimes they’ll even want to control the relations they found you in like your family, friends or work”.
She points out that sometimes insecure partners aren’t aware that their utterances and actions are controlling and advises that you let the partner know how you feel.
Although it’s not entirely your responsibility to fix the problem, Vellem says in order to try deal with an insecure partner, you must understand that sometimes the insecurity has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their past.
“Sometimes it’s an individual’s problem that manifests as a couple’s problem, she says.
“If you’re invested in the relationship then help your partner – my suggestion is that he get professional help”.
Vellem adds that if you’ve been living in a space of insecurity for a while, you can get to a place where you’re more comfortable with the insecurity than you are with finding a way of being because the unknown is always scary.
The decision to stay or not is different for each couple as the dynamics differ.
Vellem says it also depends on the threshold of the partner who has to deal with insecurity.
“If it’s escalated to a point where you have no functional relations with people that matter to you, I’d say it’s not worth staying, because it can escalate to other forms of abuse” she says.
However, if you are the partner that contributed to the insecurities being present, it is your responsibility to help your partner overcome them.
“If you’re the one who has aggrieved your partner and introduced dishonesty, then you’re obligated to fix,” she says.
She does however emphasise that even in such a situation, you need to know when enough is enough and when to walk away. If you’ve done your partner wrong in whatever way and he/she decides to stay, they shouldn’t be punished for the rest of their life.
“Yes you’re obligated to fix the problem and take measures to prove yourself, but it’s not okay to use those wounds to manipulate and abuse you, she says.
“If the aggrieved has decided to stay, they need to stay knowing that they need to fully forgive and start over,”.
She adds that overtime insecure partners thrive on the fact that they can control and manipulate you, it’s important for the partner experiencing it to quickly nip it in the bud.
“You need to understand it’s the persons journey. Yes, you’re willing to walk a journey with them and walk with them towards healing, but you must come out unscathed and the only way to do so is to not enable them to manipulate and control you with their insecurity,” she says.
Because living in insecurity is a dysfunctional space, it can become a bottomless pit no matter how much you reassure your partner or attend counselling sessions.
You can only do so much. Ultimately it’s up to the person to take responsibility for their own healing. If they haven’t made the decision themselves, you’ll deal with one issue to the next and eventually get dissatisfied with yourself because it has become a bottomless pit of feeding a negative to someones life.