No one who really loves their life will ever be seen cruising through a McDonald’s drive-thru lane. No, those stretches of pavement are only populated by the depressed, the lonely, the lazy, and those who lack self control. The siren song of the Big Mac is a tempting one, and it preys upon the most self-destructive parts of our psyche. If you’re truly tired of this life and are in a hurry to move on to whatever happens next, fast food is probably one of the more pleasant ways to speed up that timeline. Here are a few fat-filled options that will give you that special boost towards the warm release of death that you so desperately crave.
KFC’s Famous Bowl
The Famous Bowl is the weird Frankenstein monster that your Depression-era grandma makes when she’s trying to clean out the back of the freezer without wasting a single scrap of cryogenically frozen food. If you’re so inclined to order this weird concoction of unsellable scraps at KFC, you’ll find that it’s a bowl of mashed potatoes mixed with chicken nuggets, gravy, three cheeses, and, of course, corn, which technically makes it a salad. Unfortunately, the Famous Bowl surpasses your complete suggested daily intake of sodium in one disgusting explosion, so after this, you’re done for the day. And probably life.
The Most American Thickburger from Hardee’s
The Most American Thickburger is not only an insult to your guts, but an insult to America. Hardee’s attempted to cram an entire family barbecue, minus one drunk grandfather and a bee sting, into a bun. They’ve mashed a standard burger with all of the fixings with a split hot dog and a bunch of potato chips into an amalgamation of all things artery-hardening, and they’ve paired it with one weird political statement about American excess and obesity. Whatever happened to pacing yourself? This is the pathetic fast food equivalent of rolling coal.
Sonic’s Bacon Double Cheddar Croissant Dog
Sonic is the kind of place you go to when you feel like getting most of your food on your steering wheel and having your waitress “accidentally” forget to bring you your change. Because of the chain’s kitschy retro theme, you’ll be stuck in your dumb car while you struggle to eat a sloppy, lukewarm hot dog out of a paper tray. As if the standard hot dog’s contents of snouts and sphincters wasn’t damaging enough to the sanctity of life, topping it with cheese and bacon assures that you’ll be meeting your dead relatives soon. Wrap it in a buttery, fat-laden croissant and you’d better write your will in advance. It’s surprising that you’re actually allowed to drive after eating this.
Whataburger’s Jalapeno Cheddar Biscuit Sandwich
It’s not that biscuits, eggs, cheese, or jalapenos are inherently evil, but if you’re having this spicy mess for breakfast, you’re either angling to get fired for spending too many meetings in the bathroom, or you’ve just lost all feeling in your body and have nothing left to lose. There’s a very good reason that most restaurants don’t offer breakfast options that are stuffed with hot peppers, and that reason is called your colon. Just don’t do it. Save it for when clients aren’t waiting in the conference room, or you just really feel like having a good ol’ case of cold sweats.
Burger King’s Extra Long Sriracha Cheeseburger
Mankind may never know why Burger King was compelled to lay two hamburgers side by side, like slumbering lovers, in a hoagie-shaped bun, when they already have a perfectly structured Double Whopper with all of the same stuff. But who are we to question the self-proclaimed monarch of bunned meats? All this mess does is add more bread carbs to the already tragic meal, and slop a whole lot of hipster sauce on it. Seriously, when will be be done with the sriracha thing? Let’s move onto something new, like turmeric or jicama something.
Burger King’s Windows 7 Whopper (Japan)
No longer available but too absurd to omit, the Windows 7 Burger, which sounds as gross as it is, wasn’t much more than a regular Whopper with seven of Burger King’s standard meat-type patties stacked like a Tower of Babel, reaching into the sky, and challenging your God to just come on down and end it all for you. It’s a good rule of thumb that if any food includes any number greater than three in its name, that food should go on the no-eat list. This list includes four cheese pizzas, seven layer burritos, and 9Lives, which if for cats anyhow, dummy.
Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites Pizza
What is it with fast food places trying to cram hot dogs into every available free space? If your weird body just absolutely needs to consume an excessive amount of nitrates in order to make it through another cold and lonely night, you can go for Pizza Hut’s weiner-lined pizza, which combines everything you hate about the Hut’s pizza, and everything you love about death, arranged in a charming circumference-long lining of pigs in a blanket, ensconcing the outer rim of the awkward disaster. How do you eat it? Scientists still aren’t sure, and many have died in the quest for the answer, but the only definitive answer so far is “don’t.”
Taco Bell’s AM Crunchwrap
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It’s the physical and emotional framework by which you set the next 16 hours, so you’d better choose it well or else you’re screwed. If you’ve trusted Taco Bell to start your day off right, you probably don’t deserve to have a good day. The AM Crunchwrap is your standard bacon, egg, and cheese meal, but with an added hashbrown and jalapeno sauce, with the option of adding everything from guacamole to white gravy. It’s all folded into a sexy hexagon of terror, ready to coat your insides with a day’s worth of body-slowing grease and regret. You’ve been warned, and will probably be asleep by noon.
KFC’s Double Down
This list wouldn’t be complete without including KFC twice, as the Colonel is surely twisting in his shallow Kentucky grave right now. Originally announced on April Fool’s Day, no one was sure if KFC’s promise of a chicken sandwich using fried chicken as buns instead of bread was serious…but it was. Slap some bacon, cheese, and secret sauce between the two slabs of fried chicken, and you have the strangest bastardization of a sandwich ever created. If this grease beast isn’t enough to satisfy you, head on over to the Phillipines, where KFC offered a fried chicken bun wrapped around, yes, another hot dog.
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